When LOVE is a four-letter word.

As I am writing this, "Steve the Cat" by Dosh is playing on my computer speakers, part 2 of my public transportation post is MIA and my girlfriend is in another state perhaps wondering if I love her.

If anyone actually follows this blog, they will have noticed that it has been collecting dust for the past few months on some neglected cyberspace shelf. I wrote a compelling argument the day after the Presidential election as to why Americans had finally correctly voted for the wrong man, but due to some boneheadedness of mine I never saved the first draft and the whole thing disappeared into nothingness. The frustration this mistake caused after such an emotional election process is responsible for me not posting for a few weeks. The girl I started dating soon afterward and have spent the majority of my subsequent time with is the reason I have been absent for the rest.

She is a great person, and though we have not been together that long we have worked in the same department for quite a while now. Some how we have managed to keep our "office romance" relatively quiet to ensure a healthy progression in our relationship and to prevent any uncomfortable situations with a meddling management. This will all have seemed for naught when we arrive together for our work's upcoming belated holiday party. We have had functions for work that we have both attended but separately; it has been very difficult to feign a casual friendship at these things. With this in mind, we both came to the same conclusion that we were going to go to the holiday party together, have a good time, and just hope for the best.

Right now my girlfriend is preparing for the celebration of the love between her friend and her friend's fiancee not knowing if I love her or not. Last night for the first time she said, without saying it, that she loved me. My response, "I don't know what love is." Granted, I was intoxicated, but this was a stupid thing to say. I tried to ease the situation by telling her how much I cared for her, and telling her that I have never been in love before, but she just ended up feeling foolish and that night we both slept on a bed of hurt feelings and misunderstanding. I have never in my short life ever come so close to saying "I love you" to some one, but there have been more than a few times when we were together where I felt the words close to bubbling out of my mouth.

I do not know what to do, I do not want to lose her. Maybe I am making this a bigger deal than it should be, and that perhaps it is just the first bump on the road to an otherwise successful relationship. Time will tell..